


Drive

by sadgorl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anxiety, Canonical Child Abuse, Depression, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Sirius black is falling apart, bc who am i if i'm not venting, i set out to write something slightly less angsty but then oh wonder went and fucked me up, so here goes nothing, this is wolfstar with everything else in the bg, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:02:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadgorl/pseuds/sadgorl
Summary: I can't help but drive away from all the mess you made. You sent this hurricane, now it won't go away. & I promised I'd be there but you don't make it easy, darling please believe me. Loving you is too hard, all I do's not enough. I cannot be loving you.After the prank that went wrong, Remus and Sirius aren't really on speaking terms. But James won't let Sirius skip the group trip to Seilebost Beach, even if they aren't talking, because everyone around them can see that Moony and Padfoot seriously need each other, and need to get over themselves. (I'm ... really bad at summaries).
Relationships: Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> honestly a trash ass chapter to my first multi-chapter fic!

For someone who thinks decisions through as infrequently as Sirius, he operates with very few regrets. Sirius lives in a black and white world, makes choices based on emotion and principle. Unfortunately for him, most of the people around him understand nuance. He thought that greasy git got what was coming to him since he was so dead set on poking his nose around the whomping willow. He felt like– if nothing else – Snivelous was a bad person and should face the consequences for his actions in totality. Remus, on the other hand, disagreed completely. Remus had been so betrayed, and Sirius was starting to feel like maybe he too was a bad person. This prank, as he had called it, _**(**_ although, wasn't it really an attempt on Severus's life _**)**_ was currently atop his list of regrets, which only had three items on it. One, doing something that hurt Remus. Two, leaving Regulus behind in Grimmauld Place. Three, burdening his friends, and the Potters, instead of finding a way to handle his shit on his own, as a now free man. He was pretty sure all of his friends, aside from Remus, would disagree with item number three. Remus– sweet, kind, gentle Remus- would never admit to it, but Sirius was _**sure**_ that he wasn't thrilled about Sirius's status as the Potter's second son, and James' best mate because it would keep Sirius away from him. However, much to what Sirius assumed was Remus' chagrin, Sirius had a special status among the marauders, and therefore Remus couldn't avoid him forever. Not when they were taking a six-hour trip to the beach to celebrate their two weeks of Easter holidays. All Sirius wanted to do was figure out where he stood, let his friends go on their stupid trip, and phase-out of Remus's life so he wouldn't have to deal with all of the weird interactions, the awkward exchanges of "oh– excuse me" and "I'm just leaving" and get back to his self-loathing in fucking _**peace**_ _thank you very much._ Sirius _**KNEW**_ he was wrong, he knew that Remus had every right to hate him, and he just wants to get all of the uncomfortable shit over with so he doesn't have to think about how the boy that he's **in love with** can't stand to look at him anymore.

He practically jumps six feet in the air when he hears someone entering the dormitory. It could be anyone, so he tries to tell himself that there's only a 33% chance that it's the one person that doesn't want to see him. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor, waiting with bated breath to see if whoever entered greets him. He knows Remus won't since they're not speaking, and he can't bring himself to watch the way his best mate's face twists into a grimace when they lock eyes. What catches him off guard is the way Remus's soft voice meets his ears– it's so tight it mimics the tightness in his chest, and he can't understand what the fuck is happening for a moment. _**"**_ James said you're coming to Seilebost." It's not a question really, Sirius knows that. Remus trying to suss out whether or not this is going to be a disaster, that's why he's bringing it up. It kind of hurts his heart to think Remus can't trust him to not ruin a holiday, even if Sirius knows that he came close to ruining a lot more than that when he told Severus how to pass the willow. 

"Oh, so we're talking now?" The moment the words tumble from between his lips, Sirius knows he's made a mistake. He didn't _**mean**_ to sound like a bitchy nonce, but it's been kind of lonely in the dorm lately. He hasn't had anyone he can turn to, because everyone knows he was wrong. And usually, when he's blatantly wrong and being dramatic, that's when he turns to Remus, who listens and then grounds him in reality. 

"Don't be a bloody tosser. I'm just fucking asking." Remus knows he's using insults, so why does his voice come out sounding so _**sad**_ ** _??_** However sad he sounds, it doesn't stop Sirius from wincing, the same way he does when people yell at him. And then Remus's stomach is twisting with guilt. He didn't mean to **scare** Sirius, but he has every right to feel hurt. 

"Sorry– sorry Moony, you're right. I uh– yeah, he said that being cooped up here by myself would be bad for the old psyche." His voice comes out somewhere between a whisper and a mumble, and it's hard to imagine the way the two of them laughed and yelled boisterously only a few weeks ago. But now, everything is different for them, and it's tearing Sirius up inside. 

"Don't call me Moony– Sorry I– we're not there yet." 

Sirius can practically hear his heart crack inside of his chest at that. All the hurt and pain and frustration bubble up in his chest, threatening to choke him, because how could he have done something so _**stupid**_ and reckless and let Snivellous get in the middle of their friendship?

"Oh, we're not? Do enlighten me Remus, where the fuck are we then?" He snaps, and he _knows_ this isn't the way to solve the problem, but maybe if he's short enough, Remus will finally yell and scream and give Sirius what he _**deserves.**_

"You absolute prat! It's not my fault you're a selfish bastard who almost killed someone and got me arrested! God, if you could think of someone outside of yourself for five _**fucking seconds**_ we wouldn't even be in this god damn position!" 

"No great losses if you killed Snivelous. Would've been worth it."

"And it would have been worth it if they locked me in fucking Azkaban? Glad you have your priorities sorted. Maybe people are right about you. Maybe you don't know how to be anything other than a _**b l a c k.**_ I can't believe I trusted you." Remus can feel himself breathing heavily because this is all so foreign to him. He doesn't yell. He's the calm, collected friend. So how did he end up losing his cool this badly? He doesn't even believe some of the things he's saying, and he knows that these wounds will cut the other boy deeply. Maybe he wants Sirius to feel how badly he hurt him. But this is surely unfair, and when Remus stops fuming, he'll probably regret this. 

Sirius, on the other hand, is shocked. He practically runs out of the room to the toilets because everything hurts and he just needs to be _**alone.**_ His skin feels like it's on fire, and his breathing is ragged. All he can think of is his father's voice between his ears calling him _weak, worthless, pathetic, disappointment._ He can see the look on Reg's face as he ran out the door, and when Reg found him kissing Remus in the hallway yelling " _no brother of mine!"_ And at that moment, Sirius wonders if he's doomed to ruin every one of his relationships. He finally makes it to the toilets and locks himself in a stall. He crumples as soon as he's alone, pulling his knees to his chest and trying to steady his breathing. It doesn't help that the tears that threatened him through his whole morning have now started to spill over, and Sirius has never felt so disappointed and guilty. he's trying to convince himself that he'll be fine on his own but everything hurts because for _once_ Sirius thought he could have something, and how could he have been so dumb. Of course, he can't have this. He can never keep a good thing. Not with the way his mind crumbles into an endless ricochet of the Most Ancient and Nobel House Black. 

Remus wasn't expecting Sirius to react like this. He _**knows**_ that Sirius is all bravado all the time and that there's usually a lot more going on beneath the surface for him, but he didn't think that asking him not to use such an affectionate nickname would result in Sirius running away in tears. He didn’t mean to yell, it just kind of happened. It’s not his fault Sirius betrayed him! The anxiety and guilt of making Sirius feel that way washes over him like the tide and leaves him exposed, like in the first rays of the sun after the full moon. It _hurts_ to be so open, so exposed, but what is Remus supposed to do. He can't forgive Sirius yet, no matter how desperately he wants to. He can't get over the betrayal of trust just _like that._ And he shouldn't have to. Not when this is Sirius's fault in the first place. It's not like Remus betrayed his trust and exposed _his_ secret. Remus climbs into his bed, ready to simply let the emotions fall by the wayside and sit down to do his homework. He opens his Defense Against the Dark Arts text and tries diligently to focus on his homework. But his thoughts keep roaming to the tear tracks down Sirius's face and the way Sirius looked so guilty. It's not like Remus hasn't ever seen Sirius cry (even though he'd probably never admit it). Just two weeks ago, after they had fallen into bed together Sirius had begged him to promise that they would never let something get between them the way his parents had. He assumes that the Prank, as Sirius had called it, wasn't some premeditated event, and that night–those tears before the full– had much more to do with a fight with Regulus after he had seen them together. But Remus was not Sirius's keeper! It wasn't his job to hold Sirius's hand and ignore his own safety for Sirius's catastrophic emotions. At least, that was what he told himself as he slammed his book closed, and before he knew it, he was knocking on the door of the stall Sirius was sitting in, seeing his muggle sneakers and ripped trousers through a gap between the door and the floor. He can hear Sirius's breath hitch, and it sounds like he's trying to stop crying. 

"Siri? Cariad, please open the door." He tries, his voice gentle. 

"If I open the door, will you actually listen to an apology or are you ju-just gonna walk away again." Technically it's a question, but Sirius doesn't allow for that. He knows the answer, and he's so tired of the disappointed look Remus has taken to wearing. 

"Open the door, Pads. Please." No sooner has Remus said it, than Sirius is unlocking the door and pulling him into a hug. 

"You can hate me forever if you wanna, Moon– I mean, Remus. I just– I need you to know that I didn't a-a-actually think he'd come. I th-thought he'd get cold feet, and I dunno I don't know what I was thinking and I'm so, so sorry." And then he's sobbing again into Remus' shoulder and he's muttering about how he doesn't deserve anything and that he messes everything up and Remus' heart is breaking because _fuck_ he never wants Sirius to feel like **this.**

He takes a deep breath, trying to convince his own heart rate to slow because as much as Sirius means to him, as much as Remus cares, things can't go back to the way they were. Sirius can't be trusted yet. Not when he sold them out the way he had and selfishly told Snape how to find Remus at his most vulnerable. "Siri, I'm gonna forgive you." He states, carding a hand through the other boy's hair. He means it too, he will forgive Sirius, he knows it. It's just a matter of when he feels ready. "I'm just not ready for things to go back to how they were yet. You– you hurt me, y'know? Doesn't mean I don't still care about you, just that we need to figure out how to get through this part of things." 

Sirius nods into his shoulder, his whole body trembling. "Don't suppose this means I can uh-" he starts, but then he pulls away and looks down at his feet. "I'm sorry... I was gonna ask if you wanted to join me back in the dormitory, but that's probably pushing it... I'm sorry."

"We'll get there, cariad. For now, I can help you pack?" 

They make their way over to Sirius' bed, and he pulls out a bag to pack full of clothes for the Easter holidays. He grabs a few pairs of ripped jeans, taking into account which ones Remus is drawn to and grabs a few t-shirts out of his trunk. He reaches for a beige, cable knit jumper, and Remus lets out a chuckle. "That's mine."

"I know." Sirius replies, a grin breaking out on his face. His teeth graze his bottom lip as he looks over at Remus, before raising the jumper and smelling it. "You smell really fucking good." 

"Glad you think so." 

Sirius looks over at Remus again, like a lovesick puppy, and he notices that Remus takes another step towards him. He wonders where they stand because he doesn't really feel like the question has been answered. But that doesn't stop him from blatantly giving Remus a once over and biting his lip. Sirius has his heart on his sleeve at this moment, and he just wants to crawl back into bed with his lover, to be held and loved. Sirius can feel his chest constrict as he leans up, and his lips brush Remus's. "Anything you'd particularly like to see me in?" He asks with a smirk. 

Remus grins wolfishly and nods. “Anything that’s mine, Pads.” He pulls Sirius into a tight embrace, which catches the other boy off guard, but he’s relaxing into it within seconds. 

“Missed you, cariad.” 

“Missed you too, Moony.” 

Sirius feels Remus’ arms tighten around his slight frame, and he knows that something is wrong. 

“Rem, love, you alright? Should we sit?” 

Sirius doesn't even wait for an answer before pulling Remus to the bed and running his fingers through his curly blonde hair. He can feel the tears that wet the fabric across his shoulder, and he just wants to know how to help. “Moony?”

”’M fine Pads. I just—“

”You don’t have to be fine. If this is too much I-we don’t have to.”

”No–“ it sounds so desperate when he disagrees, and Sirius wonders what kind of toll this fight has taken on him. 

“just– really missed you– an’ I-I-I dunno.”   
“You don’t have to know. ‘S okay.” Sirius presses a kiss to his forehead and continues to run his fingers through Remus’ hair. They lay like that, Sirius whispering his affection in Remus’s ear until Remus falls asleep. 

When he hears Remus's breathing even out, Sirius's thoughts drift back to all he's done wrong– all the ways in which his friends will never forgive him. He thinks about the Potters, and how much they've done for him, and he's only repaid them by endangering and burdening their son. He thinks about Peter, all anxiety and fear wrapped up in the bravery of constantly forcing himself out of his comfort zone– how Peter would probably feel much more comfortable if Sirius wasn't constantly forcing him into uncomfortable situations. And then there's Remus, who he could never make up for what he's done to. Remus is sweet and kind, soft kisses in the dead of night and fleeting touches, and _**fucking hell**_ why did he have to go and fuck this up? Then there's Regulus, who he **left behind.** How could he have done that? By the time that he takes pause over Regulus, he notices he's been crying. Like a lot. And Remus must have been exhausted if he didn't wake up and notice, which Sirius is grateful for. He reaches for his wand and casts " _Muffliato_ " because he really doesn't want anyone to ask him about it tomorrow. Sirius lets his emotion roll through him until he's too tired to think anymore, and closes his eyes. His breathing is still ragged, and he tried burying himself in Remus's embrace as deeply as he can. The overwhelming feeling of _home_ in Remus' arms is enough to bring him peace, and allow him to drift off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cariad means sweetheart in welsh bc remus is welsh and speaks welsh


	2. sat back with the window down, eighty an hour and the radio loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: chapter 2! i kind of just published the previous chapter before it was ready oop sorry! this turned out WAY more angsty than i anticipated because coronacation is killing my mental health hahaha

Sirius wakes up the next morning to James throwing open the bed curtains. "Oi! Lovebirds, c'mon! We've gotta get going!'" Sirius finds himself curling up closer into Remus, mumbling "Sod off Prongs! We're sleeping!" He feels Remus untangling their limbs, and makes a move to shift out of the bed as well. Sure, they'd curled up in bed together the night before, but that doesn't mean that everything is fine and that he and Remus are no longer on thin ice. 

He shields his bleary eyes from the sunlight pouring in the window, and he pulls on Remus's nearest jumper. Sirius is _**uncomfortable**_ not knowing where they stand, and his mind moves a mile a minute. "We've gotta shift our arses if we want to make it to breakfast." Sirius feels his shoulders tense at the statement and casts a timid look towards Remus.

"Alright Prongs, I still have some stuff to pack and some things I want to pick up for the trip. I'll meet you at Hogsmeade." He tries to pull a convincing smile, as he winds his arms around his midsection. He remembers Orion pointing out the self-soothing posture, reminding him that _men don't hold themselves like weak, frightened children._ The thought of his father's voice makes him wince, but he shakes it off anyways. Remus can see how uncomfortable Sirius looks, and the way James is looking over at him like he has something to say. Remus takes that as his cue to go brush his teeth because he _knows_ James doesn't want him there for whatever the exchange is. 

"Padfoot what happened last night?" James asks, trying to suss out how the next few hours would go, with his best mates, who were fighting. 

"Oh, uh, Moony and I sorted the whole Snivelous thing. Now we're trying to figure out where we go from here."

"Alright. So you _prats_ will be fine if you sit shotgun while Remus drives then?"

"Yes, you absolute nonce." Sirius chuckles, "You and Evans can sit in the back and flirt while Remus drives. We'll play nice. Promise _. **"**_ Sirius is grinning, but his expression remains guarded. It frustrates him that he can't be candid with James, but he can't afford to fuck things up with Remus by saying the wrong thing to James. Not when Sirius constantly feels like he's drowning, water filling his lung and threatening to choke him, and Remus's smile is a much-needed life preserver. He knows it's unfair to assign Remus such a responsibility, to put him in charge of keeping his head above water, but when life has threatened him with so much trauma it isn't like he has a choice. 

James watches Sirius, questioning the stressed-out way he contains his emotions, but rushes off to catch up with Remus anyways, leaving Sirius to his own devices.

The Black Heir, fallen from grace, folds in on himself once he's alone, ready to crumble on himself and cry if only to get it out of the way so he doesn't need to worry about his emotions bubbling over in the next few hours. His knees are pulled to his chest, long, thin arms wound around them and hugging his knees close. His anxieties and fears are like ice in his veins, freezing up his body and keeping him from any movement. Any shift of his weight, every breath, every shaking sob, hurts. It hurts so deeply, and he knows that there's no way to stop it. Not when he isn't sure if Remus is still by his side, and not when he can't tell if Remus _**wants**_ anything to do with him anymore. Sure, they had laid in bed together the night before, but Sirius won't set himself up for disappointment by thinking that means everything is fine. His sobs wrack his body, and he doesn't even bother holding back. It feels almost cathartic to cry over it all, given how unstable he feels in his relationships with all three of his best mates. It helps, he's convinced, when things start feeling like they're going wrong, just like right now. The only thing Sirius would love more is to curl up in bed for a few days, and not have to see anyone. However, he knows it's not an option, and that James is forcing him on this trip in the first place, and even if he wasn't, Sirius would still want to go. 

He's not sure where he got the idea that he could have something _**like this.**_ Not with his checkered past, and his inability to communicate, his impulsive decision making, and his black and white thinking. How could he think he could have a solid group of friends and a boyfriend without mucking it all up so catastrophically? He can practically hear his father yelling at him because " _with the company you keep, I'll be shocked if you don't end up alone, you worthless, lazy, useless" **stopstopstopstop.**_ He needs to get it together. He needs to meet his friends in Hogsmeade– they're probably all waiting, wondering where he is, so he takes a deep, shuddering breath, grabs his gym kit and his broom, and makes his way out of the dorm. 

* * *

James is _worried._ He's really worried. Sirius hasn't been himself since _The Prank,_ and he **knows** that something is going on between his best mates beneath the surface, but Sirius won't say anything. So he guesses it's up to him to ask Remus and Peter what they know, how they feel, and if there's any way to put this behind them. He knows that Remus was upset because he could've been turned into a _killer,_ and he knows Peter was upset because there has to be a line that they all follow, of what is and isn't acceptable. Peter didn't think Sirius was capable of being so careless, but now, who knows? Given their status as illegal animagi, he could get them all in trouble. It's not exactly easy, getting them both to forgive him. Not when Sirius won't even tell them why he told Snape, what drove him to that point. But something is _**wrong**_ with Sirius, and James will be **damned** if he lets the other boy, who he's become close as brothers with, struggle all alone. They're the Marauders, for fuck's sake, the four of them need to come together to take care of each other. 

"Something's wrong with Padfoot. I think- I think it was wrong before the full, I think it's just getting worse." 

James is caught off guard when Peter says it because he'd just been thinking that– trying to find a way to bring it up. He nods in agreement. Sirius is his _**best mate**_ for fuck's sake. He's about to spend a whole summer with him. He should know how to bring it up– know how to talk to him. He doesn't though, not really. Because for as much as James can do, Sirius brushes everything off, hides everything away, and yeah, James can see it, but that doesn't mean Sirius truly gives him anything to go on. It's like there's all of this turmoil beneath the surface and James is watching it take a toll on his best friend, but he's not allowed to help– not allowed to stop it. So he makes jokes, he distracts. He really should take some responsibility for the incident during the full in the first place, considering how much he encourages Sirius to fuck with Snape, because at least it's _**something**_ that keeps Sirius from thinking about Regulus, or his parents, or the way he turned up at the Potter's the day before Christmas.

"Yeah, something's really wrong with him. He– Moony, you were with him last night, yeah? I don't mean to pry or anything but he cast the silencing charm because he was crying, yeah?" James casts a hopeful glance towards Remus, hoping that he can shed some light on what's been going on. 

Remus's eyebrows furrow in confusion. He didn't remember either of them casting a silencing charm. Had Sirius been crying again? The recent full had claimed all of his energy, and now, only a few days after, Remus was truly struggling to stay awake when he needed to. "I don't– I mean probably? I was already asleep when he cast it, I think." Remus's heart feels like it's in his throat and he desperately wants to go check on his boyfriend, to make sure everything is okay right now. 

"I talked to him this morning about how he was doing, and he doesn't seem like he's all there right now. Do you think it has something to do with that absolute tosser brother of his?" James adds, clearly frustrated by the situation. Remus takes a moment, trying to sort through his groggy brain to remember what had happened recently. 

"He and Regulus were fighting. He told me that. I think it's bugging him since he's always talking about how guilty he feels for not bringing Reg with him." 

Remus hopes the information is helpful to his friends, but all he can think about is Sirius, alone in the dormitory. He knows James and Peter are continuing to talk around him, but Remus can't focus on it. Not when clearly everyone can see something that he didn't, that Sirius's mental state is significantly worse then it had been in a while. How did he not _notice?_ The guilt might swallow him up because this was the boy he was in love with. How could he not see that something was wrong, that he was hurting? Had Sirius been trying to tell him, and he just hadn't listened? He cards a hand through his sandy blonde hair and takes a deep breath. It would be fine. It had to be. There weren't any other options. But it was so frustrating, sitting there with his best friends, trying to understand how they had both seen something wrong in his boyfriend that he hadn't. And was it fair for him to be upset? Of course. Remus knew he had every right to be mad about the Prank– to be hurt by the betrayal. But knowing that something was wrong, he felt guilty anyway. Maybe he'd just have to deal- to make space for Sirius and his catastrophically large emotions again. But something in him told him that he shouldn't have to, that he should be allowed to have space to be upset. 

_**Why did it have to be so confusing? Why does it feel like there are no right answers?** _

He's pulled out of his stupor by James and Peter standing up, pointing out that they should meet Sirius at the CarPark in Hogsmeade. Remus nods and follows along, his mind racing with questions about what was wrong with Sirius, if it was his fault if he could fix it, how did he not notice. It's a lot to deal with and it strikes Remus how young and _unprepared they truly are._ They're sixteen, how are they supposed to navigate lycanthropy, trauma, the war that's catching, the reality of being gay in 1977 without telling his parents, and Sirius's family. It's all so complicated and Remus is unsure whether or not the two of them can weather this storm, can make it through this. He's pulled out of his thoughts when his eyes meet the familiar gaze of Sirius Black and _**fuck**_ he feels like he's home and they can handle anything when the two of them are together. Sirius is leaning against the Jeep, smoking a cigarette, clad in a white t-shirt, leather jacket, jeans, and a pair of combat boots, and Remus could fucking swoon. 

"Oi, Pads, put that shit out and help us get everything in the car!" 

Sirius breaks out in a grin, before finishing his cigarette, and Remus is entranced by it. 

"Have Alice and Frank left yet? They're driving with Dorcas and Marlene, yeah?" Sirius is grabbing brooms and putting them in the trunk of the Jeep, and Peter is grabbing everyone's bags and doing the same. 

"Yeah, they left a bit earlier, trying to get the house sorted. You see Lily, Pads?"

"Alice said she was waiting in the Leaky Cauldron with a cup of tea. You go get Evans, we'll get all our shit sorted. Remus, you're like – the king of Muggle Music, tell me you have cassettes in this thing." 

Remus grins in response to the question, nodding. "I have a few cassettes. We should have music for the whole trip." He takes a moment to do a once over of Sirius. How was he acting so casual, if supposedly everyone could see something wrong? Why wasn't Remus seeing it? He resolved to talk to Sirius while they drove if he could, but definitely when they arrived. He just wanted to know if something was going on. He wanted to know if he needed to be careful. 

When James and Evans returned, Sirius shouted "Alright kiddos let's get going!" and it sent Remus into a fit of giggles. Peter, Lily, and James climb into the back of the Jeep, while Sirius pulls himself into the passenger seat and Remus starts the car. It's pleasant, driving away from the CarPark with all of his friends. Lily and James are talking to Peter in the back about some of their classes, and Sirius thinks this is the _**perfect**_ time to tell Remus that he loves him, which isn't a novel concept, but given the events of the morning and the past week, makes Remus's chest tighten just a bit. 

"Love you too Pads... Uh, just wondering, if something was wrong, you'd tell me, yeah?"

"Yeah, Rem, I'd tell you." 

Sirius reaches out to twine his fingers with Remus's, and he can practically hear the way Remus's mind races. It's also written all over his face how anxious he is, the details illustrated in the wrinkles in his forehead as he furrows his eyebrows or the way his eyes will dart to Sirius every few seconds. The tension of Remus's mind is so thick Sirius can feel it, and he just wants to press a kiss to his forehead and remind him everything is okay. Since they can't do that, Sirius settles for the next best thing and throws one of Remus's cassettes in the cassette player. He wants to at least distract the other boy from whatever's bothering him, and usually, Guns N' Roses can distract anyone from anything, in Sirius's experience. 

They sing their way through the album, giggling and dancing around in their respective seats, and even their friends in the back of the car join in. All five of them scream sing the songs and laugh at one another, and by the time they finally arrive in Seilsbost, it feels like their drive was something out of a film. At least, that's what Sirius thinks. They pull into the CarPark beside frank's VW van, and as soon as possible Peter is running into their rental house screaming about how badly he needs the toilet. Sirius can't help but giggle about how ridiculously endearing and childlike the whole experience is. Remus, Lily, and James grab the majority of things from the boot, which leave Sirius to grab his baggage. As soon as the two of them make it inside, they're greeted by more of their friends, already sitting down to a pint upon their arrival. 

"My boys are here!" Marlene grins, walking over to them and hugging them tightly. Dorcas moves to grab drinks for the others, hollering "Peter, what are you drinking? Beer, gin, firewhiskey?"

"You've practically got the entire Hog's Head bar over there!" 

"Oi! Remus, I'm offended! I'd never stock half the bottom shelf shit that Aberforth carries!" Frank replies with a chuckle.

"Tell me we have food! I'm _**starving!!"**_ James calls from the front door, as he and Lily make their way inside. 

Remus can feel the knot in his stomach loosen a bit, just for a moment. Maybe this wouldn't be as stressful as he thought. But then he catches Sirius' eyes, and something in his gaze looks so _**wrong**_ and he just has to do something. 

Remus nods towards the stairs that lead to the bedrooms, and Sirius sets his steely gaze upon them. The two of them slip from the room as their friends sit around, catching up about the drive and their plans for the next week (which are mostly drinking, smoking weed, and going to the beach). 

The two of them are alone, dropping their things on the floor and Remus immediately pulls Sirius into a tight embrace. "Something's wrong, love." He mumbles into Sirius's hair. It's a statement, not a question, and Remus knows his heart is hammering away in his chest. He's so anxious about doing something wrong. No matter how hard he tries, he knows this is a precarious situation, and he doesn't know how to _not_ fuck this up and say the wrong thing. 

Sirius breathes Remus in, and he's being directed back to reality. It's like, at that moment when they crossed the threshold, he was a thousand miles away with his mom's voice in his ear telling him how he was a disgrace for being around these people who _care_ about him, and that if they saw him for who he truly was, they'd **run.** But when Remus holds him, he can navigate his thoughts back to the grounding touch and smell of his boyfriend and he's _**home.**_

"Chuffed to bits we're here together," Sirius replies lackadaisically like he simply hadn't heard Remus's previous statement. Remus nods, pressing a kiss against the crown of Sirius' head. "Thought you'd still hate me when we got here." 

"I don't hate you, love. I-" Remus stops himself there. He wants to say that Sirius _**hurt**_ him, and he was still hurting. But he's shoving it aside because he's never seen James concerned the way he is right now, and Remus would have to be an idiot not to take that as a sign that Sirius needs everyone he can get. Remus can deal with his problems later. When Sirius isn't mysteriously not all there, off in some distant, dissociated state or on the verge of emotional breakdown. 

"I _hurt_ you though, Moony. I'd deserve it if you did." Sirius replies, his expression still fairly vacant, except that same lackadaisical, distant peace. The corners of his mouth quirk up into a smile and Remus is at a loss. What is going on, that it makes Sirius smile at the thought of some kind of animosity between them? What the _fuck_ was going on? Remus imagined that Sirius had to be feeling pretty low to make that kind of detached statement, so he doesn't dignify it with an answer. He doesn't need to justify to Sirius his reaction to their fight. Not really. Not when something was so clearly off, and it had taken Remus this long to see it. 

"You were right, love. I-I'm just like th-"

Remus cuts him off by pulling Sirius into a gentle kiss. He can't let Sirius think that he genuinely believes he's a monster. "You are nothing like them and I had no right to say that. I'm sorry." He sits down on the bed, and pulls Sirius into his lap, holding him against his chest. Has Sirius always been this small? "Padfoot, there's something wrong. I just want to know what it is." 

Just then, there's a knock on the door, and Sirius and Remus jump five feet apart. "We're ordering takeaway, boys. Anyone have suggestions?" Alice asks as she opens the door. Remus and Sirius are both panicking, trying to figure out just how compromising a position she may have seen them in. Sirius's hand is still in Remus's and he's squeezing tightly, eyebrows knitted and making intense eye contact with the carpet. 

"Pizza?" Remus supplies, mostly to get rid of her, because he wants desperately to get this sorted with Sirius. 

"Pizza's good!" Sirius agrees, not looking up from the floor. His voice sounds tight– like he might start crying. When Remus looks over, his eyes have glassed over and he's wondering what on Earth is going on, and what could have set Sirius off like that. 

Alice nods, leaving to return to the group, and Remus has never been more thankful. As soon as the door closes, Sirius is clambering back over into Remus's arms and letting his tears loose once more. Remus can't help but feel an immense pressure to make everything better. He needs to **fix** things, but he doesn't know how, and Sirius isn't exactly offering up any explanations of what would make all of this easier. It's all so much, and his chest _**hurts**_ because there is no solution. 

The tears that well in his eyes came out of nowhere. He knew, as soon as they saw each other this morning, when he had avoided breakfast and met everyone in Hogsmeade, it was simply the calm before the storm. He had forgotten that being around everyone 24/7 didn't give him the same escape routes for meal times as he had at school, and _**fuck**_ Sirius cannot handle that kind of pressure right now. Not when he has the constant aggression of his family swirling around in his mind, reminding him that this is his first holiday after being burned off the tapestry, the first time that he feels both free and truly out of place. He has been trying to escape the House of Black for so many years, and now that he has something is missing in him. There's this hole- these pieces that were scorched when his name was scorched off the family tree- and Sirius still hasn't figured out how to put himself back together since then. And _god_ he needs to figure it out soon, because if he **doesn't** then why would his friends want to be around him? Before all of this, it was okay when he had these cataclysmic moods, because how could anyone expect more from him when howlers from his parents about _punishment_ were piling up under his bed and he cried out in his sleep because he was afraid to go home. But now he was _out,_ so why was he still crying in his sleep and why did he behave like his mother was around every corner armed with crucio and the only thing he could do to hold her off was to lash out at his friends? Was Remus right last night? Had he told himself for so many years that he would never be like them, only for him to end up just like them? Did he become his worst nightmare? Does Remus think that? Is he just saying it's not true because he feels bad?

The thought of being exactly what his parents wanted, despite how much distance he had tried to put between himself and them, feels like an ever-tightening noose around his neck. Has he become the monster he feared they would turn him in to? He feels like he's suffocating like there's no way for him to take in the air he so clearly needs. No matter how many breaths he takes it's like there's no oxygen going in, and he's only filling his lungs with water. 

"Siri- cariad- you need to breathe." Remus states and Sirius pulls his face away from Remus's shoulder to look at him. "Breathe with me yeah? In-" Remus takes a deep breath in, "and out" and he lets it go. Sirius is trying to match his breathing to Remus's, he really is. But it's so hard and everything feels like too much and not enough all at once. He feels like such a disappointment, sitting there in front of Remus. It takes a while to calm down- and to ease the tightness in his chest and the way his body feels bound with the muscle memory of _cruciatus-_ but Remus stays with him through the whole thing. By the time he finally gets it together the pizza they ordered for lunch has already arrived and Sirius is _**exhausted**_ from the events of the afternoon. 

"Re- 'm- i don't- i-"

"You want me to tell them you were tired and you'll be down later?" 

"Please."

"Should I send James up?"

"Uh- could you tell Jamie not to worry? I'm alright... I'll be alright." 

"Alright, cariad. I can come back if you want?" 

"No, go have fun!" It hurts to say it, but he means it all the same. Sure, Sirius would love to have people around him, to keep him from his thoughts, but he can't ask that of them. Not when they're supposed to be having fun on holiday. 

He watches as Remus leaves, before curling up on himself in bed, and closing his eyes. All he wants is to take a nap. He **desperately** wants sleep. He takes off his leather jacket, and opens Remus' bag, searching for a jumper. When he finds a cream-colored cable knit sweater, a sweet smile breaks out across his face. He pulls it over his head and is enveloped by the warmth and smell of his boyfriend. It brings him peace and peace of mind that allows him to drift off as soon as his head hits the pillow. 


	3. same songs with the same old rhymes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius spend time around their friends. They play games, drink too much, and end up having a small moment of peace together.  
> tw: brief mentions of homophobia, canon-compliant child abuse (aka walburga), alcohol

Remus makes his way back down onto the patio, where everyone is eating and drinking and looking out over the water. James immediately casts him a worried glance, because he didn't bring Sirius down with him. He's clearly not the only one that notices, because Marlene is immediately asking "Where's my boyfriend?" Which elicits a chuckle from the group of them. Marlene and Dorcas, who were tangled in one another's embrace share a look, and Remus can't suss out if it's about Sirius or not. He still supplies an answer, because he knows Sirius doesn't want everyone asking questions about where he's been. "Smoked too much on the way here and greened out. He's sleeping it off right now." Remus is _not sure_ of this whole "lying to all of their friends" thing. Is this what Sirius does on a daily basis? How much of what they know is the actual truth, and how much of it is Sirius lying so no one pries? It seems **lonely** to Remus, seeing as they're all enjoying themselves and Sirius is trying to collect himself. And why did Sirius always look so _stressed out_ when people were around, even though he was a talkative, social person. He seemed to be avoiding groups of people, so why come on a trip like this? He avoided breakfast and the great hall, he was currently avoiding lunch and everyone sat around the kitchen table. Maybe Sirius was just not doing well with people _generally_ right now. That could be an answer. 

Alice and Frank passed out slices of pizza to the group, while Peter grabbed drinks from the kitchen. Overall, it was a pretty casual experience. Without even asking, Peter has passed Remus a glass of firewhiskey, and _**fuck**_ Remus needs a drink. Or several. He takes a long sip, only to hear a chuckle erupt around him. 

“Merlin, Remus. Long day?” Lily snickers and Remus so desperately wants to agree, to tell everyone that something is **_wrongwrongwrong_** with Sirius and he doesn’t know how to fix it. If they only knew that something was going so desperately wrong with one of their dearest friends, maybe they could all put their heads together and help figure out what it was. Especially since they all had such different relationships with him. He and James were thick as thieves, close as brothers. He and Marlene used to date until they both respectively realized that the _opposite sex_ wasn't quite that interesting to them, Sirius mentioned that she had said to him " **stop looking for a girl that's one of the boys, Sirius. Date one of your boys, you coward!"** which landed Sirius in his bed. Someday he'd be able to thank Marlene for that. Alice and Frank were like mentors to him, with Frank understanding the way Sirius was brought up and the grades he had to take home, helping him with classwork when Sirius was too stressed out, and a friend to have a kick about with. Remus knew that– he saw the way Sirius interacted with everyone. For a while, Sirius said he was "friend insecure" because he always seemed upset with the amount of time Sirius spent around Dorcas, but in reality, Remus was just _jealous_ because he wanted Sirius's attention. The werewolf couldn't help but notice that he was in a position that he never would have anticipated. Despite becoming closer with all of them over the past years at Hogwarts, he still felt like he was sitting amongst Sirius's friends, and his boyfriend was a _hole_ in the group. 

"Let's play a game! Everyone in this room is far too sober." Marlene suggests, and the group of students cheers around her. A game might be fun, a good way to get him out of his own head and to stop worrying about Sirius. "How about... truth or dare?" 

"Oi, McKinnon, are we in primary school? Everyone is _too sober_ for truth or dare. Let's play King's Cup."

"Merlin, I fall more in love with you every day, Evans." James grins, pressing a kiss to Lily's cheek. It was sweet, what James and Lily had. And while Remus is sure that James and Lily have their own issues, Remus wishes his relationship with Sirius could feel that easy right now. But Sirius's lack of foresight and short-sighted nature and Remus's furry little problem had really clashed, and nothing had felt the same since. Maybe they'd be able to get that sweetness back when Remus had sorted his feelings about _the prank_ and Sirius's current problem, whatever it was, was sorted as well. Remus was hoping for that, because if nothing else, he'd like to be able to sit beside the boy, their hands intertwined, and not have to worry about one another for once. 

After they begin dealing the cards for the game, Remus hears Sirius padding down the stairs. He plops down on the couch next to Remus, their arms brushing for a short moment before he motions to be dealt into Dorcas. "I heard you lot were playing my favorite game." He grins, although his gaze immediately focuses on Remus. Remus is _worried_ because he knows something is off but he can't tell what it is. Sirius seems almost too calm, too put together. 

"There are drinks in the kitchen, and a couple of slices of pizza left if you want Sirius." 

"Thanks, Alice." He grins, standing up again to grab a drink from the kitchen and returning to the group once more. Remus knows that _not everyone_ knows about the two of them, and he can see it written on Sirius's face that he doesn't want to discuss anything too close to the chest right now, so he lets him set the tone for what is and isn't okay right now, but _merlin,_ if Sirius would have been okay with it, Remus would have pulled him into his lap just to wrap his arms around him. 

They go about the game, giggling and laughing as they drink, and the rules getting significantly more hazy and ridiculous as the game goes on. By the time they've made it through the whole deck, the entire group is drunk, and Sirius is being much more physically affectionate, tucked into Remus's side and their fingers tangled together. 

"So since we're sufficiently drunk," Dorcas giggles, "Now can we play truth or dare? I don't think I could handle it if I had to watch Marlene pout all night because we didn't play." 

"Yeah, come on guys ** _!_** Clearly we should play, since the _love of my life_ suggested it." Sirius agrees, a silly grin on his face. Marlene responds with a smile, and by sticking her tongue out. Remus was thankful for these moments, when everything felt just a bit easier because they could all hang out without fear of the recesses of their minds. Sirius was clearly lacking that recently.

"Alright, Sirius, truth or dare?” Alice asks with a grin.

“dare?”

”I dare you to jump off the pier.” She states, eyebrows raised. 

“Alright— anyone else wanna come with? Prongs this is your brand of stupid—“ Sirius suggests, raising his eyebrows. 

“You’re on your own for this one Padfoot.”

Sirius shrugs at that, seemingly completely unbothered, but Remus desperately wants to kick James in the shin and remind him that if Sirius asked he should probably just do it, given the conversations they’ve had recently. 

“I’ll come with. It’ll be fun!” Remus grins met with a light shove towards the pier. “I’ll race you,” and just like that, the two of them are off, running towards the water and giggling. 

By the time they reach the end of the pier, they’re beside themselves in laughter, mostly because they’re drunk, and Remus has to remind Sirius not to jump in the water with all his clothes on. The two of them strip to their boxers quickly, and then Sirius is tugging Remus off the pier with a lovesick grin. Remus is taken aback by how Sirius looks because his body looks just as haunted as his face these days, but his smile is so genuine and breathtaking that Remus can focus on nothing else. He swims closer to Sirius, crushing their lips together in a passionate kiss, because sitting beside the other without even a hint of what goes on between them has been taking a toll, to say the least. 

"Rem– have I ever told you how pretty you are?" 

The blonde let out a chuckle while climbing out of the water. He reached for his wand and raised his eyebrows at Sirius. "C'mon love, you look like you're freezing in there. _Accio towels."_

He holds out a hand to Sirius to help him make his way out of the water. In the silver light of the waning gibbous moon, and the way it reflects off the water to illuminate the pale stretches of Sirius's skin that peak out from the water, Remus is reminded of the way he fell in love with Sirius Black. He fell in love slowly, and then all at once. He couldn't tell where the friendship they shared ended and these feelings began, but all of a sudden they were in each other's arms and Remus wouldn't give him up for the world. Perhaps that's why his heart skips a beat when Sirius wraps his still wet body around Remus, without even really trying to dry off, and Remus doesn't let out a single complaint. 

Sirius Black, notorious punk rock idiot would die for Remus Lupin. He means that both figuratively and literally, although he's not sure that he hasn't already made good on the literal interpretation. His parents _ruined his life_ repeatedly, and he knew that his _proclivities for destroying the family line_ which was code for being **gay,** definitely contributed to the last row he had with his parents before leaving. he was sure that if he hadn't left without their knowledge, he wouldn't be here right now, and he was completely unsure how much his parents would have put in through in their fury. But if it meant Remus was by his side, he'd do it again. The way Remus's arm wrapped around him, the way the moonlight reflects off of his eyes and lights up his face with its angelic glow instills gratitude in Sirius that he's unsure he's ever experienced. For once it felt like the world wasn't spinning too fast, like Sirius could catch up again. Sure, he knew that there was something about their relationship that was _reserved,_ and it wasn't because they were hiding it from everyone. Remus was here, present with Sirius in the moment, but he knew somewhere in the back of the other boy's mind, he's sure there's an element of Remus that doesn't trust him. And he _gets it._ He understands because the way Snivelous talks about his parents or the way he talks about Remus were both enough for Sirius to get so angry he put Remus at _risk_ because he wanted Snivelous to get _hurt._ He doesn't think he'd react any better for someone spilling his own secrets, and he understands why Remus would be scared. He regrets it so much but _**fuck**_ he was so _hurt._

"You're thinking real loud over there, Pads. You alright?"

Sirius takes a moment, looking out over the water. "I uh– yeah, I just wanted to say I was sorry again. I'm an idiotic prat who owes you an explanation..." 

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to– pretty sure we're both a bit drunk."

Sirius lets out a laugh at that. "Drunk words, sober thoughts or some shit. I dunno, just think it's kinda unfair. Like I just lost my mind a bit and cried like a little fuckin' kid and you felt bad an' that's why we're sitting here right now. That's the worst, innit?"

"Pads, you really don't have to tell me right now. It's okay, you don't need-" 

Sirius cuts him off, his newfound courage to tell Remus what happened was going to be short-lived and he _knew_ it. "He said that he heard my parents used the cruciatus on me, and that I deserved it if I was–" He stops, to take a deep breath. "I said it because he brought up my parents and he was _**right.**_ Makes me a shithead, right?" 

Remus's eyebrows furrow, and somewhere in his foggy mind, he knows that their friends can see them, but he leans down and presses his lips to Sirius's once again. "He wasn't _right_ about it. You don't deserve it, no matter **what** that slimy git said. You can't think that way." 

Sirius nods, leaning into Remus's side, and looks out across the water. "Thanks, Moony. I uh– I needed that I think. Can we just sit here a little longer?" 

Back on the patio, all of their friends are sitting around, talking about how absolutely _lovesick_ Remus and Sirius seem. Marlene even mentions Sirius talking about his crush on Remus in the past. But when Remus leans down, James practically screams with excitement. 

"Oi, will you lot pay attention- I think they just kissed!" 

"Marlene I'm officially nominating you to ask Sirius about it." 

"Only if you bug Remus about what's going on there Evans." 

"Do you guys really think this is the first time they've kissed? Have you seen the way they act? They're almost less subtle than me and Marlene" Dorcas shrugs, the smile never leaving her face. 

"Sirius would tell James, right?" Peter asks, but Alice lets's out a chuckle. 

"Not necessarily. I'm with Dorcas on this one."

The two of them finally return, to the group, and Marlene gives Sirius a knowing smile. The expression is mirrored on Lily's face, and he can feel Sirius squeezing his hand in reassurance. Whatever they're on about, Sirius and Remus can deal with it because for right now they're together and surrounded by friends and everything is _okay._ So they sit down, leaning into each other, and Remus slings his arm over Sirius's shoulder. 

"Did anything of note happen out there in the water, boys?" 

"No one got attacked by a sea monster if that's what you're asking McKinnon." 

"Hey! That's unfair! How was I supposed to know that the Ministry keeps magical sea creatures from muggle beaches!" 

"Common sense?"

"Oof, Lupin, that's mean."

"You love me, Marlene." 

They all sit around, giggling and playing drinking games, and Sirius has finally _relaxed._ He's eased into a conversation with James, Frank, Marlene, and Peter about quidditch, while Remus, Lily, Dorcas, and Alice discuss the way the rest of the semester might go, and what Alice wants to do after graduation. It's nice, being surrounded by the love of their friends, and experiencing the world as it is, without the tinted lenses of their internal turmoil. Sirius finds peace in the company of those around him, and he's glad Remus is by his side for it. He and Remus always do this. They run around in this same circle, where they fight with each other over one of them not wanting to open up. They fall back into each other's arms because the turmoil _hurts_ and they can't handle it. They finally explain and open up. And then there's peace until all the same pressure mounts again. They do it all the time, over and over and over. But there's no cycle that Sirius would rather be in than one where he and Remus take care of each other. Sure, it can get messy. There are the moons, and the way Remus hates being fret over, but Sirius would rather fight with him over and over about making sure he gets enough rest and that his wounds are healed than not know. When he said he loved Remus, he meant _all of Remus_ , not just the parts that are easy to love. And for now, things are alright, and that's _good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n if you wanna follow me on tumblr @mvnvgedmischief i write a lot of dumb hcs and shit. also your kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	4. Tell me to shake it off and swing from the lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius wakes up from a nightmare, and remus wants to talk about it.

When Sirius wakes up, he is immediately panicked. His stormy eyes scan the room, but all he can see is his bedroom at Grimmauld Place. He can't feel the wall pressed against his back, and he can hear the heavy footfalls of his mother down the hall. _**Weak. Pathetic. Shame of my flesh.**_ She doesn't even have to open her mouth to scare him anymore. He knows what she's going to say before she says it. In a different time, he would have tormented her for it. "When did you get so predictable, mum?" But now, all he can register is paralyzing fear. He knows what she would do to him, if she got a hold on him again. If he thought he was locked in the cellar a lot, and placed under the cruciatus a lot before, he had another thing coming. But then he registers the fact that somewhere in the corner of the room, there's the far off glow of a muggle alarm clock, like the one Remus charmed to work at school. That glow starts to bring him back to reality. To help him catch his breath, which had long since evacuated his lungs. As his senses return to him, he realizes that he's tangled in someone's arms, and he can feel their hands rubbing circles in his back. He can also feel his body wince unconsciously, as the hand runs down the space between his sharp shoulder blades. His skin feels like it's on fire, and the cooling touch of the hand, which is being removed from his back _**nonono,**_ is the only thing that keeps him from burning up. Everything hurts and he doesn't know why, but he's trying to figure out where and when he is. When the room comes into a soft focus, he realizes he's not at Grimmauld Place. He's safe. His mom isn't walking down the hallway _**but someone is**_ and fuck, Sirius is still terrified. He hears the doorknob clicking and turning, voices that sound so _far away_ meet his ears.

"Alright, Moony?"

"Yeah, Prongsie. I've got this." 

"G'night!" 

It takes a moment, but the voices belong to Remus and James. Remus, the love of his life. That was the voice behind him. Despite it all, his body feels like it's on _**fire.**_ Why does his body feel like it's on fire? He's trying to peel himself out of Remus's arms, but every movement feels like a reminder of the _cruciatus_ and god it **hurts. He** thinks he's going to throw up, but he can't pull himself to his feet. Why won't his body cooperate? Time moves in slow motion around him, as he tries to find a spot to focus on. That _**stupid**_ fucking muggle alarm clock on the nightstand is bright in an otherwise completely dark room, and he focuses in on it in an effort to make the world stop spinning, and bring him back to reality. He does _not_ realize he's making any noise **_( and he's whimpering )_** until Remus shushes him and then he's clamping a hand over his mouth because Sirius definitely does not want to disturb his boyfriend any more than he has. But everything hurts and his body is not cooperating with him. the most motion he can muster up is to grab a trash can, just before he begins to retch. He can feel Remus holding his hair back from behind him, but he doesn't have it in him to think right now, and particularly not to think about how he woke up Remus, and he's keeping him up, or what he's going to do with the bin once he's done retching into it. But retching hurts in all the right ways, because it grounds him in the reality of where he is. he's on a trip to Seilebost beach with his _friends._ He's not in number twelve. No one is waiting to cast the cruciatus upon him. 

"Sirius, love, are you alright?"

"Go back to bed, Remus." 

"You just threw up in a wastebasket are you fucking serious?"

"No, you're fucking Sirius." 

"Jokes aren't going to get you out of this, love. I need to know what's going on with you. I can't help if you don't talk to me." Why did Remus have to be so god damn understanding anyways? Sirius is starting to think he'd rather suffer in silence if it meant he didn't have to feel guilty about Remus waking up to comfort him. Sure it's nice that Remus wants him to feel _safe,_ and _loved,_ and _cared about._ But if it meant SIrius didn't have to feel guilty for interrupting Remus's sleep, he'd gladly give it up. He doesn't want to keep being a burden on his boyfriend. 

"Nightmare. That's all. I'm fine." 

"Cariad–" Remus starts, reaching out to rub his back once more, and again, Sirius tenses at the contact, "Please, tell me what's going on." 

Sirius takes a moment to collect himself, wobbly in his convictions. On the one hand, if he ignores it, he might be able to convince Remus that they should go back to bed. Especially since the world is still spinning and all he wants is to sleep this feeling off. On the other hand, if he tells Remus, he might feel better for once. And he'll be able to sleep through whatever godforsaken breakfast plan they have. He settles on talking a little bit, not to reveal too much, but to put Remus's mind at ease that Sirius is opening up. It requires a lot from him still, to open his mouth and admit to the fact that Walburga still haunts him, but he thinks he can do it, if only to benefit him later. "Thought I was still at Grimmauld Place, and that I was getting in trouble. Now can we go back to bed? I think I'm still drunk." 

"Firstly, you're such a fucking lightweight," Remus states, although his face falls after he says it. "Usually you can drink me under the table– how much did you drink last night?" His arms wrap tighter around Sirius as he says it, and the animagus assumes it's in response to what had actually set him off, even if he wasn't saying anything. 

"Oi! That's your title. I'm a champion drinker. but I dunno, I blacked out after four firewhiskies." _It was two, but okay Sirius._

That statement gives Remus pause because it doesn't sound right. Sirius can see on his face that he knows something is wrong, and _shit_ he didn't mean to tip him off about the things going wrong in his life. he can't _handle_ that kind of confrontation. "Sirius, usually, you can drink more than that... What did you eat yesterday?" 

_**SHIT.**_ That was a question he did _not_ want to answer. Not in a million years. How could he be so foolish, to think it wouldn't come up while they were on a trip together. 

"Baby, I'm really tired. "

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Let's go back to bed, yeah?" 

"Yeah." Sirius whispers, wrapping himself around Remus once more. It hurts, to feel this far from the other boy while being this close together. It makes his chest ache, and he kind of wishes the ground would rise up and swallow him hole, so he didn't have to feel so guilty for it. But at the same time, he can't stop himself from how wonderful it is to be wrapped in Remus's embrace, grounded by the overwhelming feeling of _home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i know this isn't great and i've been behind on updates, school just started back up and my uncle has corona so ... it's been a lot


	5. Chapter 5

hi not an update but i'm,,,, not thrilled with this fic rn so I'm rewriting/editing and planning out where i want it to go. it's going to be roughly 10 chapters when I'm done with it, but i just don't feel like it's up to snuff with the quality i could put out. sorry @ all 8 ppl who bookmarked it but i will come back to this i promise


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